A Gentle Reminder

I remember the days when I used to be an optimist. Or, at least I think I do. Some days it is harder to remember than others, but I am pretty sure that I used to be the kind of person who did more than just hope for the best. I used to actually believe in it. I am not saying that I do not still believe in the good things. I know they still exist, I am just not the person who can spot them so easily any more.

Driving home from school yesterday, I was struggling with this concept of optimism. Lately, life has been doing its part to try and keep me buried in worry and doubt. I find it harder and harder to let go of the things that get me down, and as a result the world seems a little darker. As I was considering possible subjects for some phototherapy, I was torn. For me, photography is a way to block out the cares of the world and focus only on creating beauty. I cannot draw, or paint, or sculpt. I cannot play music, or write great novels. A camera, however, allows me to release some of the intense creative desire that builds within me. I am no professional, but I can at least capture some of the beauty around me. I can use my camera to remind myself that there is more to life than the big things that often blind us.

As I had driven to school on this particular day, the things that caught my eye were the dark things. The signs of winter and its sting. The browns and the grays, the dry and the dying. I passed so many of the beautiful things that I always promise myself to stop and photograph one day, but all I could see was what some might call the ugly. Part of this could have been due to the weather, another day of rain and fog had settled around me, but I knew that a great deal of it came from within. Now, on the drive home, the same things were standing out to me.

I struggled with this as I drove. Some might say that cell phones are a cause for concern on the road. I say that cell phones couldn’t be safer compared to the drivers who are doing things like scouting photos. Especially the ones who are doing so amid inner turmoil. I looked for the light, the pretty. I looked for the inspiring, and the beautiful. I was able to make myself see it to a certain extent, but it was at this point that I realized that I have been cheating myself lately.

For weeks now, I had been struggling with my photography. I had been coming up with photos that left me uninspired. Even worse, there were many days when there were no photos taken at all. I felt like I was losing my eye, my radar for beautiful things. I was letting things like my somewhat broken camera and my need to please others get in the way of really creating. I was focusing too much on trying to produce pictures that would please everyone, instead of letting myself completely let go. I had been cheating myself.

All I could think about at this point was Al’s garden. Al is my landlord who lives next door and keeps a garden in my yard. I think it is raspberries he grows there, and during the warm seasons it is lovely. Now, though, it is winter, and all that remains are the tangled remains of what were once vines bursting with berries. Tangled. This word refuses to leave my head. It kind of pulls into focus what I have really been feeling and seeing all day. Tangled.

When I got home, I knew that my mind was made up. I didn’t care about looking for beauty any more, I wanted to go to Al’s garden and dwell on my problems. I wanted to let my tangled mess of a life seep into my photos. I wanted to be true to what I felt and what I saw for once, and so that is what I did. The wind was so cold, and little balls of ice hurled through the air at me, only fueling my negative attitude. My grandfather’s old metal tripod burned my hands with the intense cold, and my dog barked his most annoying bark at me while I tried to focus. I saw the old and dead, the dry and the dirty. I saw exactly what I had been looking for, a tangled mess, and in it I saw beauty for the first time in what felt like ages.

As I sat down to look through my photos of the tangled vines that had drawn me so desperately to them, I kept finding myself lingering on one particular photo. The subject was the same as all the others. The colors, the textures, the lighting…none of it was different, and yet for some reason this photo stood out. When Matt got home from work, I went to show him my work and I saved this puzzling photo for last. As he stood there looking at it, I found myself explaining to him why it stood out to me without having even fully realized what it was that I was explaining. I heard myself tell him that it had a sort of ‘crown of thorns on the cross’ quality to it. My strange insight made more sense when he told me that it was exactly what he had been thinking. Mind reading is one of those things that come with a close marriage I think.

After pulling Matt’s thoughts out of his head and speaking them aloud, I was able to really think about what I had said. I had gone to the garden to let myself revel in my sorrows and frustrations. I had gone there to focus on the thing that, for today, represented all that was wrong with my life. I had gone to the garden, and returned with a photo that is more beautiful than I could have imagined. The beauty is one that may not be apparent to every eye, but to me it is a much-needed reminder of where true beauty really comes from. Where real peace is found.

As I have lived my life, I have come to realize that times of adversity are great blessings. They allow us to feel more intensely. Adversity drives us to change. It makes us think, and struggle, and really live if we want to get through it. Most importantly, though, adversity brings us back to a place where we are humble and desperate. I have a special attachment to the word desperate. It goes back to a sermon I heard in church on a particularly insightful Sunday. It is during the times when life feels like nothing but a tangled mess that, if we are lucky, we become desperate enough to stop trying to do everything for ourselves. We realize that we cannot fix our own problems. We cannot save ourselves, and we don’t have to.

It is at those times, when life gets dark and cold, when I get desperate. It is at those times that God is finally able to break through to me. Sometimes He uses something big to get my attention, but then there are times when it is something as simple as a photograph that wasn’t expected. A photo, that is a gentle reminder that I have a Savior who walked this earth. A Savior who felt pain, stress, sorrow. A constant companion who will not only walk with me, but carry me through the hardest parts of life. I know that He does not judge me for the tears and struggles. He does not love me less for being weak. He just waits there, among the tangled messes, for me to be desperate enough to let Him save me.

It was only at this point of realization that I considered the fact that it was Ash Wednesday. As a child, Ash Wednesday had always scared me. It was dark, and somber. It focused on the grays, and the dying. I preferred to avoid sadness and troubles. I didn’t want to give myself a chance to really feel things like adversity and pain. It is funny how our views change as we age. Only now, as an adult, can I really see the beauty of struggle. That is, if I let myself. If I stop fighting it long enough to be still and realize that all of our battles have already been won for us.

Who would have thought that I would come to a point in my life where the things that were so negative when I was young, when I was an optimist, would be the things that bring the beauty of life back into focus for me. Real beauty, eternal beauty belongs not to the optimists, but to those who know the Creator of all beautiful things. To those who can see the crown of thorns, and realize that life, no matter how tangled it gets, is fleeting, but our joy as believers is eternal.

 

Searching…

What I wouldn’t give for just one person who truly understands me. Someone who can accept the fact that there is a very real emptiness in my life right now that no tangible, worldly thing can fill. It is a hole that was left there when I left the church, and try as I might to fill it or disguise it nothing works. Nobody gets it. Nobody can understand that serving God and other people is what makes me whole. Every time I talk about wanting it back, people try to convince me that I am better off now. They tell me I was too stressed out then, or that things are easier for me now. They can’t see that my life is one big ball of stress every single day since leaving Trinity because I have no outlet for this pent-up spiritual energy.

Matt and I have been going back to church, but it is not the same. It is good for me, to be sure. I love having a place to go and worship. I love being Lutheran and going to traditional worship services because that is one of the few times when I can focus solely on God. It is not about me. It is not about how I feel, or whether or not I enjoy the music, or who is sitting next to me. It is about expressing my devotion to God. There are times when I wish I could be a baptist or some other denomination with more opportunities to get involved, but nothing could ever replace Lutheran worship for me, and as far as doctrine goes I could never really see myself changing.

So, church is good. I still love Trinity. I love being back in that building and surrounded by those people. It makes me happier than I have been in a long time. But the emptiness is still there. It may be less noticable when I am at church, but aside from getting a chance to worship I am still missing a big part of myself. I am not living a life of service. I am not helping people. I am not being a very good witness. I am just not being the person I feel I was made to be. But nobody gets that.

The fact that nobody else seems to understand has created huge doubt for me in the past several months. I have started to question my beliefs, and my whole life’s mission. I am tired of feeling like I am crazy. Like I am just an overzealous, wildly judgemental, crazy person. I feel like maybe I expect too much. Like maybe I have it all wrong. But the thing is, if I stop believing that life is about serving God, then all of the sudden my life starts to really suck. I have no real goals, no real mission. I am just a 27-year-old with no career, no kids, and lots of debt.

I start to think that maybe I am wasting my life searching for my place in God’s plan. I get so tired of having morals and trying to dance around people’s different beliefs while clinging to my own. I am tired of feeling so empty and alone. I am tired of bouncing from one hobby to the next knowing that none of them are going to fill the desires and searching for God in my life. I guess I am just tired. Tired and in need of some serious answers. Some serious encouragement. I just want to find someone who understands me and can help. I just hope that my shaken faith is not beyond help at this point…

Memoir – Rough Draft

(This is a writing assignment for my creative nonfiction course) 

It’s funny how much one decision can effect your entire life. Especially a seemingly innocent decision like buying something off of eBay. There is nothing that could have prepared me for the consequences of choosing to buy my camera from the online auction website. Using eBay was a pretty common thing for me to do. I suppose you could accurately describe me as an addict. It was so fun to shop for other people’s junk, and the auction process itself was exciting. So, when my husband and I decided that it was time for me to pursue my photography, it only seemed natural for me to try to get a good deal on a starter camera and some equipment. I was very careful in my search for the right auction. I found a set of lights, some backdrops, and a reflector panel fairly quickly. The camera, however, I was willing to wait for to make sure I was getting the right one. 

I settled on an auction with a seller who had a very large amount of good feedback on large sales. I was always picky about feedback levels, and his was 99% positive with sales numbering in the thousands. I asked lots of questions before placing my bid, and was confident that I was getting a great deal. I won the auction and could not wait for my camera to arrive. There were a few little issues getting it to me, but eventually it came and was soon like an extension of my being. I loved my camera. 

The knock on my back door came at around 11 am on a Friday morning. I had been sick all week and was still in bed, so I threw on some clothes to go peek and see who it was. By the time I got to my kitchen, though, there was already a police officer and a man in a suit walking in. You would think I would be curious, or even scared, but all I could think was how messy my house was. The continued their way into my home, looking around and not saying much. The first thing the investigator asked me was if I had heard anything from the Extension office that day. This question thoroughly confused me. I had worked for the Extension office for two years, but I could not even imagine what that had to do with the police being in my home.  

The investigator then looked at my desk and indicated to the police officer that what they had been looking for was right there. I looked in the same place and was still confused. Confusion gave way to frustration and frustration to anger as I wondered what was going on and why this man felt the need to play around with me instead of just telling me. It was like being stuck inside some horrible television show, the kind that doesn’t make it through its first season. The investigator standing in my bedroom was a horrible actor who was putting on a bad show. 

Once I realized that he was trying to intimidate me, I insisted he tell me why he was in my home. He asked me where I had gotten the camera that was on my desk, and the first words out of my mouth were “You have got to be kidding.” Not only was he not kidding, but he was also not amused at my reaction. I could tell this, but I could do nothing to remedy the situation because I was totally in shock. All I could think about were the tiny inconsistencies that had made me curious during the shipping process. There was the email telling me that the shipping software the seller had used had messed up my last name. Then, when the package arrived, the name was entirely wrong and the camera had been shipped direct from Best Buy. I thought it was weird at the time, but now, sitting in my home staring at these law enforcement officials, I felt like an idiot. I couldn’t believe what was happening, but even more I couldn’t believe I had not put two and two together when the camera arrived. 

Once I could begin to think rationally again, I explained to the investigator that I had purchased the camera off of ebay. Within 20 minutes I had pulled up every record, receipt, and email from ebay, the seller, and my paypal account. I finally realized why he had asked about the Extension Office when he first came in. I had the camera shipped there so that it would be safe if I was not home when it arrived. He informed me that he had gone to the office first, where he questioned the secretary. She had explained things to him there, and I showed him my documentation, but as the righteous indignation wore off, I became more and more nervous. Here I was being accused of a crime, and a pretty serious one at that. And while I had given the investigator proof to back up my story, he did not seem to be believeing a word I said. He wanted to see the credit card that I had used to make the paypal purchase. When I told him that my husband Matt had it at work, he insisted that I call and ask Matt to come home.  

While we waited for Matt, the investigator continued to look around my messy house. The police officer who had accompanied him just stood there looking somewhat uncomfortable. By this time I was freaking out and crying, and the officer would occassionally look sympathetic and even tried to reassure me at one point. All I could do was sit there, embarassed and angry that all of this had to take place when I was ill and both my person and my home looked aweful. I would not have let family see me looking so bad, let alone two strange men. As I thought about that I realized how lucky I was that I had heard the knock at all. At least I was fully clothed. The thought of them just entering my home with so little warning quickly turned my tears into incredible anger, and I just sat there watching this man search my things while I waited for Matt.  

My husband does not have the best social skills. He is the person who everyone loves because he is a little kooky in his own special way. Normally, when he is awkward I laugh and poke fun at him in a good-natured way. I wish I could have anticipated how awkward he would be upon arriving home though. Maybe I could have prepared him somehow. As it was, he had gotten a frantic phone call from me telling him to come home because the police were at our apartment. He walked in to see me hiccuping from crying, and these two strange men the obvious cause of my distress. The investigator proceeded to tell Matt how unimpressed he was by our home. He insisted that there was no way we could have been able to afford my camera, and accused Matt of stealing credit information from his job as a medical claims analyst. Now, at the time, I was a full-time student. I had just spent two years volunteering with AmeriCorps serving my community and my country, and Matt and I had been the youth directors at our church for three years. We didn’t worry about money, and any extra went to the church. So, here is this man standing here telling Matt that he was failing to support our family, after already having barged in and upset his wife. All of the sudden Matt’s awkwardness was not so charming. Instead of being goofy, he clammed up. You could see he was angry just by looking at him, and if he was trying at all to be polite, he wasn’t trying very hard.  

This was the point when the investigator asked me to step outside. Afterwards, Matt told me that the investigator had sat in my desk chair and rolled up to Matt until he was mere inches from his face. I was standing on our porch, terrified, ill, and of course looking aweful. There are two police cars parked in our driveway and I am convinced that every passing motorist is staring at me. Eventually I was allowed to reenter my home. The investigator looked really mad. He threatened to take Matt to jail. I tried to explain that Matt was not hiding anything like the investigator thought, he was just coming accross wrong. Eventually the investigator decided not to arrest Matt. We gave written statements, and the investigator left us with a threat to send the police to take us into custody at any time.  

I spent the rest of the day going back and forth between anger and fear. Matt took the rest of the day off to stay with me, and that weekend we were constantly waiting for a return visit. I didn’t sleep much that weekend. I would lie in bed jumping at every noise and every sweep of headlights coming through our window. Monday Matt returned to work and I quickly got worse. I was terrified. I could not be home alone. I would hide at the church as much as possible, and then visit with my youth kids when I was not at the church. I felt this overwhelming guilt and shame that I could not shake. I just kept waiting for something else to happen. This continued for close to a month. I was scared to be in my own home, and never really recovered from that until we eventually moved. I just could not be alone there. It took at least a month before I could sleep through the night after that as well. Even thinking back on that time puts me on edge. I knew that rationally there was no reason for me to be afraid. I knew that I had done nothing wrong. Still, I felt guilty and ashamed. Of course this was all made worse by the fact that my camera was gone. I had to cancel a job that I had booked before it all happened because I had no camera to shoot with. This camera, this part of me, had been taken away and replaced with a horrible nervous energy that nothing could cure.  

So much changed as a result of that one incident. It was two years ago and I still find myself realizing how much it changed me. Having my camera taken away right when I was starting to build a portrait business was rough, but worse is the fact that I have completely lost my confidence and drive to pursue that road even after replacing my camera. It still seems so silly to me that something so small would make such an impact, but over time I have begun to realize that what happened to me was pretty traumatic. I knew from the beginning that this investigator was putting on a show. I knew that he was trying to scare me, and I knew that he was really bad at it and it shouldn’t even be working. I knew a lot, and he underestimated my intelligence greatly. But I also realized that no matter what I knew there was noting I could do to stop them if they wanted to arrest me. I feel like I went from being just a victim of fraud to being victimized by the law enforcement officials that I had always trusted to protect me. I was never given the option to come in for questioning. I was not even given the time to get properly dressed. I was not read my rights until I filled out my written statement, and that was four hours after they first walked into my home. These men were not there to protect me, an innocent person. They were there to accuse me and treat me like a criminal from the moment they barged in to my house without my permission. I no longer feel safe like I once did, and I no longer trust police without question.

This story is not one that comes with a happy ending. I never did get my camera back, and despite numerous attempts to contact both the investigator and his superior I have never been able to get any information on what happened with the investigation. Needless to say, I don’t use ebay any more either. I did manage to replace my camera, thanks to a generous gift from our church as a thank you for our service to the youth group there. Any momentum toward starting my photography business was halted on that fateful morning though. I sold my lights and backdrops a couple weeks ago, and, for just a few days, the fear resurfaced. It is funny how little control we have over our emotions. I guess after two years I can safely say that I have dealt with most of the consequences of my innocent mistake, but I still keep a cd in my desk drawer marked “camera documentation” in case they should decide to pick the case back up and come after me again. I wish that I could just throw it away and go back to smiling and waving at passing police cars, but I doubt that will ever happen. The whole situation could have turned out a lot worse I know, but that doesn’t erase the fear, anger, shame and embarrasement that I had to deal with and still feel from time to time. All of this from something as simple as bidding on an ebay auction. Now, I prefer to just go to the store and pay full price.

Separated by miles but connected by love…

So the other day I took the time to think about some of my dear friends here in Missouri. It is important for me to remember that I have amazing people who I love here. I will miss them so much when we move. But I still am excited daily about the thought of getting to live close to the other half of my life for a while. I do love my Missouri friends and family so much, but Missouri has had me for 7 years and it is time for a change. Moving back to Nebraska means moving back to so many of the people I love…

Alicia is probably the one person other than Matt who really knows me. She has been with me through so much and we have really grown up together over the years. We have been apart for too much of it, but when we are back together it is like no time has passed. I love her dearly, and I love that I know she has the same values I do. She was the maid of honor in my wedding, and has been there through the ups and downs of me learning to be a married person. She is the one person I know I can always turn to and be honest with without having to worry about what she will think. She has seen me at my worst and still loves me…nothing says more than that.

Kenna is my baby sister, but the older we get the more I realize how much we share as adults. She is one of the few people in my family who I feel I can really share my faith with and get the encouragement I need. She is sweet and loving and caring, but also outrageous in her Kenna way that keeps things interesting. Kenna was still so young when I moved and we have both grown into “adults” with many miles between us. I feel like I am getting to know the real Kenna with every visit, and I cannot wait until I can let her know the real me too.

Ryann is the sibling I was closest to growing up. She and I have had many fun times together, and have also been through a lot where we have needed to lean on each other. She is the one person in the world who I think really gets where I came from more than anyone else. She was there of course, but she also saw things that other people didn’t. We have come so far together, and I am still just overjoyed to have her back in my life after an absence that seemed to last forever. I cannot wait to build more memories with my dear sister.

Of course being back in Nebraska will mean being closer to all of my siblings. I can’t even put into words how much that will mean to me. I have had times that I have been close to all of them, but now maybe those times will not be such a distant memory. My little brother Sean is one person who I am anxious to get to know better. Watching him grow up has been amazing. He was of course the youngest when I left and so I feel like I know him the least. He has grown into a very wonderful person though and I am glad that our puppies have given us something that we can share in common. It will be nice to really get to know some of my family a little bit better.

Then of course there is Cara. Cara is one of my dearest friends in many ways even though we have not always managed to keep in touch. Reuniting with her over this past year or so has been amazing. Cara is just such a wonderful person. She has so much to share with the world, which she tends to do at a very fast pace! Cara is probably the person who I feel most connected to spiritually as well. I know that she shares my beliefs and she can just think through things and help me to understand them better than most people. Cara is one of the few friends who really knows Matt and I as individuals and I love that. She is also just so much fun to be around and I cannot wait until we can live close again.

In many ways though, the biggest pull to Nebraska has always been Brodie. My nephew and godson, Brodie has always been very, very special to both Matt and I. I feel like if there is one person in my life who needs me more than anyone else it is him. It has been so hard to have to watch him grow up from a distance. Visits are nice and we have enjoyed getting to bring him out here during the summer, but a visit can never replace living close enough to really be a part of his life. I don’t have the emotional stamina to give like I want to for an entire visit! I look forward to when we will just be able to be there regularly and won’t need a special time set aside.

Brodie is not the only kid that we will be returning to though…oh no! There are so many nieces and nephews! Matt and I both love kids, and love getting to hang out with our nieces and nephews the most! (I am of course including Alicia’s son here too!) I just cannot begin to describe the anticipation we feel about having kids around again. I think that is part of what is so hard for me down here in Missouri. I have always had kids around. My oldest sisters started having kids when I was still young and so there have always been young ones. Logan has helped fill that gap here in Missouri in the past year, but I just miss that part of my life. I think the fact that I actually got to the point down here where I doubted wanting kids or being able to be a mom speaks volumes about the effect that change has had on me. I just need kids around!

And last but not least there is my mom. I am going to be honest, a big part of me moving to Missouri was to put distance between my family and me. I knew that if I did not get away I would never be able to live a life that did not revolve around drama. I really hope that going back is the right decision and that I will be able to live as a member of my biological family but more importantly as a separate family with my husband. I have always felt this overwhelming need to take care of my mom, but I hope that now maybe I can learn to live as a daughter and less of a caretaker. I want to be there for my mom and give her support and love very much. I worry about her happiness and her health and I want to be able to help in any way I can. I remember the mother she was when things were not so hard. Full of fun and life. It is my hope that I will get to know her like that agian.

Well that was kind of a bittersweet end to my thinking about the people I love in Nebraska, but the truth is that nothing is ever all hearts and flowers. I know it is not going to be perfect. But I cannot stop looking forward to the day when I can finally feel like a part of my family again instead of just some visitor, and when I can be more than long-distance friends with some of the most important people in my life.

How You Live

For the longest time now I have been feeling so conflicted. I am so torn between what I believe is important and what it seems is expected of me. The worst part is that the longer I am away from the church the harder it is to keep fighting. I am just a person with no self-discipline. I know this. This is why I need structure and I need fellowship and I need someone to encourage me. Even though we left the church because their mission didn’t seem to match ours, at least while we were there I had the structure I needed to keep my own beliefs sound. At least I knew what my mission was.

I used to know what I wanted. I used to have faith that living the life I believed was important was possible. I used to be so certain. Now I just don’t know…

 I have been trying to make myself stick with the Christian radio station again lately because I really do believe that music can have a big impact on us. Whether it is noticable or subconscious, the influence is there and this is one area where I can make a much needed change without too much struggle. It is not that I think listening to secular music is bad nessecarily, but when the lyrics to my favorite songs make me blush if I actually stop to think about them then something is wrong with the picture. So anyways, I guess maybe if I make enough little changes maybe I can get back some of that faith that I am lacking right now. Maybe I can get to the point where the big changes won’t be so overwhelming.

So right now my favorite new song is “How You Live (Turn up the Music) by Point of Grace. I just love it:

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don’t hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don’t spend your life lookin’ back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won’t regret it
Lookin’ back from where you have been
Cuz it’s not who you knew
And it’s not what you did
It’s how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don’t run from the truth
‘Cause you can’t get away
Just face it and you’ll be okay

Oh wherever you are and wherever you’ve been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E’en when you don’t think that you can
‘Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
‘Cause in the end there’s nobody else

My dream life has always been a very simple picture. Sure, sometimes I long to do great things and be highly educated with an important career. I know I have a lot of potential and that was drilled into me so much as a child that I guess it is hard to accept that it is not the most important thing in life. Honestly, all I want out of this life is to love the people around me and do what I can to help those who need it. I still need that structure…I have all the time in the world right now to be helping people, but I don’t really know where to start. So structure is a good thing, but I just don’t need to be brilliant and successful by the world’s standards. All I really want to do is have a family and just live as a wife, mother, friend, and child of God.

I would still like to do mission work, but I just want to be a servant in ever mission field including where I am right now. I just want to serve. I was born to serve and born to live and I wish that I could just do it. I am trying to make a conscious effort to help people where I can these days, but I just want to get out of this self-centered place of worry and doubt and need. I am just so stuck. Why can’t I just live the life I want to?

Reflections of Friendship

I have been so negative lately. I know I have. But it is when I stop and actually appreciate people and blessings that I find a temporary happiness…that is something we should all do more of. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends here in Missouri…

Erin is one of those people who I just love to be around. We have a lot of fun together without having to work at it. She just has this energy about her. Everyone notices it but her I think. She is sweet and kind and very creative, even if her creativity usually results in an endless supply of unfinished projects! She has made this last year or so bearable and I don’t know where I would be without her.

Emily is my little ray of sunshine. The last girl to join youth group while I was running it, Emily first struck me as very smart and very quiet. I could never quite tell what she was thinking and was not sure she really liked me even, but she has grown over time to be one of my favorite people. Emily and I share a passion for photography, and that shared hobby has been one of the few bright spots in my life here lately. She makes me laugh and makes me see things in new ways. She definitely inspires me.

There are really no words to describe Emily’s mom Winnie. I am sure that most people who know her would agree. She is a very special person to me, especially lately. She is one of the few people who has stuck by me through everything that has happened over the course of the last year or so. She has bailed me out of several tough spots, and been there in ways that were beyond generous. Winnie inspires me with her determination and drives me crazy with her views sometimes, but the one thing that she always does is makes me think. She is an amazing woman and someone who I really respect.

Of course Karlee was the first member of that family that I came to know. Looking back, I can’t believe now that I ever thought of her as quiet! She is actually someone who can bring fun and laughter to any situation. She makes me laugh more than just about anyone I know. Karlee is just an amazing person. She has a huge heart and a very special way with children. I cannot wait to see her someday as an adult with kids of her own because she will be amazing! There is just something about Karlee that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! I am glad that she decided to stick around here to start her college career because I love that I still get to see her!

Then there is Jane. I don’t see Jane all that often, but I love the fact that when I do she is so easy to talk to. She always makes me feel better about things, and gives me hope. She is like my shining example of what happiness can look like. She is not always happy of course, no one is, but she is passionate about her life and the people in it and is just an amazing person. She also shares my love of photography, and is the perfect person for trading amazing photos with by email. We both are amazed by what can be done with a camera, and in that way she keeps me looking for new ideas.

The Missouri friend who I miss the most is my Meg. She is quite possibly the most fun person I have ever met. She is sweet and there is just something so amazing about her. I can’t really express it…she just makes you feel.  Happy, sad, crazy, silly…you can just feel things when Meg is around. She is amazing and brilliant and I love her and miss her all the time. I would give anything to have one of our days where we go shopping for the cheapest, most bizarre gifts ever to bestow on people! She is someone who can make life seem like an adventure at any moment.

The last Missouri friend that I am thinking about today is my friend Sunny. She is not actually in Missouri anymore, but our friendship has been more virtual than anything else so I still think of her as a Missouri friend. I met Sunny in my first education class and she was such a wonderful, friendly person that I was very glad to have her find me on myspace. Sunny’s presence in my life has been so supportive with her comments on my blogs and her blogs that make me realize that I am not alone in many of the things I go through. She has a perspective that I respect and learn from, and often makes me laugh as well. She is a sweet girl, and I am glad that we have remained in touch.

There are other friends in Missouri who make my life special, but these are a few of the people who I count as my friends and am thankful for today!

The Anticipation is Killing Me…

I am so excited about our decision to move to Nebraska. I really am…but what am I supposed to do between now and then? I feel like I am living in limbo. I look forward to the days ahead, but so much so that the days here and now get lost. How is it already almost Haloween? How did that happen? I know that part of it is financial. Each pay check is like that carrot dangling in front of my nose…taunting me and making fake promises that this will be the check that gets life back to normal. Stupid lying carrot LOL! It has been like that every week for months. We never actually get caught up. I know I should be thankful that we are still surviving. I should be thankful that we were able to fix our truck when we did. I should be a lot of things.

I should be thankful for the friends I have in Missouri. I should be making the most of the time that I have left here with family and friends. I know this is true, but I just can’t seem to pull myself together. I know that life in Nebraska is not going to be one big party. I know it is going to be a lot harder than I let myself think about. Every time I even begin to think about Matt giving up his current job I distract myself because I know just how much of an adjustment that is going to be. As broke as we are, we are still rather spoiled. I know that will change, at least for a while.

I know my family is not the most reliable. It is not ever going to be that perfect fairy tale where the family does everything together and everyone gets along. I know that with my family comes a lot of stress and a lifetime of baggage, but it is my hope that I have come far enough that this time I will be able to handle it.

I also know that going back to Nebraska does not mean going back to being young. A lot has changed. People have jobs and families now. I know that there is a good chance that I will be just as alone on most days in Nebraksa as I am now, but at least I will have options. At least I will have people I love close enough to give me occassional relief. I just miss having people to goof around with. I am tired of being sad, lonely Branson who only talks about her problems to her sisters and friends. I want to be able to actually DO things with them. I may continue to be sad, lonely Branson, but at least I can put it aside once in a while to go shopping with Alicia or make necklaces with Kenna. I will have a whole bundle of nieces and nephews to help fill the void left by lack of my own kids. Loaner kids work sometimes, and I will have plenty to choose from when we move.

Okay well I totally feel like I am just rambling and trying to talk to people while I type is not helping. I miss  having the internet at home…

A Blank Page

I used to write a lot. Never seriously or with the intent of publishing my work, but just for fun. With the emergence of blogs, my life in words became more public. However, it also became more trivial and guarded at times. My blog became my main outlet for writing, and – too often – a place for me to communicate with others. I began to worry about who would read what I was writing, and who I might offend. When myspace became the home to my blog, it became more of a social outlet and a place for me to post photos. The thing that was lost through all of this was my knd of writer’s therapy. I miss sitting down to reflect on life. I miss when writing was the way I worked through the things that were on my mind. I miss when it was just me and the keyboard. I want to get back to that place. I need a new outlet. I want a place where I go just to write. Maybe I will share my thoughts, maybe I won’t, but more than anything I want to keep this place as a pure collection of reflections and writings by me and for me. Not long ago I created a home for my photos. My photoblog is an important part of me. But that blog is for others. This blog is for me.

I haven’t blogged at all much lately. I just have not been inspired. That combined with the vast amount of time consumed by my photoblog has left me at a bit of a loss. I am not quite sure how to return to that place where I was able to have written conversations with myself. Where I was able to know instinctively what thoughts were just dying to get out. I have been reading my old blogs for inspiration, and so that is where I will begin. I want to collect some of my favorite blog entries here in my new space. Maybe they will inspire me to get back to doing what I love…

The Joys of Motherhood

This is a rough draft of my personal essay for my Creative Nonfiction course…

 ”The Joys of Motherhood”. Perfect. Not exactly the subject I was hoping for when I sat down to catch up on my best friend’s blog. Sad isn’t it? The fact that this is how we have come to keep in touch? But 10 hours and two states between us makes it hard to do more sometimes. So, “The Joys of Motherhood” it is. Couldn’t it have at least been titled something like “Surviving Motherhood”? At least then the title would not be there on my screen, taunting me, daring me to read more.

As I click the link to take me to the blog post, I know what I am going to be reading. Alicia is an amazing mom. She loves being a mother. It is nothing new to hear about how it is the one thing that has made her life happier than she ever though possible. It is just different now. Not as easy to read. I find myself secretly hoping that the blog title was supposed to be taken sarcastically. That maybe this time I will be reading that being a mom is not as amazing as it seems. No such luck.

I know what I am supposed to be feeling as I read this reflection on my best friend’s life. I know I should be happy for her. I should find the cute anecdotes about her adorable son endearing. I should be proud that she has chosen to be a mom, instead of just have a kid. I should have all of those warm, fuzzy feelings that come from knowing that someone you love is doing well. Yes, I know I should be feeling all of this, and this knowledge is what adds the twinge of guilt to the only thing that I am really feeling…envy.

I would be willing to bet that Alicia would not imagine me envying her life so much. By all accounts I have a pretty nice life, and she is always quick to point out that no ones life is perfect. After all, I have a marriage that is found only in storybooks, and I am finally living my dream of returning to school. I have a lot to be thankful for, but I find myself focusing on the one thing that is missing. All I really want is the one thing that defines the very woman my best friend has become. She is a mother to a wonderful child. She has “the joys of motherhood.”

I haven’t always had to fight this feeling of envy when hearing from friends who have children. I used to consider myself lucky because I had freedom and choices that children can limit. When Matt and I got married, everyone was careful to caution us that we should wait until we were “stable” to start a family. At the time I wasn’t sure if the idea of waiting until we were “stable” referred to our finances, or expressed doubt in the longevity of our marriage, but I was in no hurry to have kids myself so I let it go. That was six years ago. Those lectures about waiting lasted for about three, and then were gradually replaced with hints about grandchildren. Eventually, the hints became more obvious, and turned in to questions. “Are you having trouble getting pregnant?”, and “Don’t you think Matt will be a wonderful father?” I would always politely change the subject, but eventually the questions became my own.

What were we waiting for exactly? Matt and I had both grown up in large families with tight incomes. Sure, we wanted to give our children more, but didn’t it also show us that it is possible to raise a family that is full of love without abundant resources? After all, neither of us is getting any younger, and both of us are the type of people who would likely be trying out new things throughout our lives because our interests are so varied. So, four months ago Matt and I decided that it was time to start a family. Four months. That is nothing when it comes to trying to conceive a child. Some couples try for years. I love when people tell me that. It is like saying to someone, “I know you are frustrated, but you will probably be frustrated for a long, long time so get used to it.” To me, the past four months have lasted a lifetime already. Each month is a cycle of highs and lows ending in disappointment and, yes, envy.

 I know that when I have children, biological or adopted, Alicia will be there to share her experience and excitement with me. She will continue to be a mother that I look up to, and an example of the kind of mother I want to be.  I look forward to the day when we will both experience “the joys of motherhood,” and I can finally find something new to obsess about. I would much rather be able to sit down and read her blog and feel all of those things that I am supposed to be feeling. All warm and fuzzy because I know that we are both living out our dream of being mothers, and we are doing it together.

I Love Fall!

(Originally posted 9/19/07)

Oh I just love it! The weather is getting cool and crisp and visions of corn stalks and pumpkins are dancing in my head hehe! I just love fall! I love the colors and the smells. My candles go spicy and the sweaters start making an appearance. Matt looks so good in sweaters…just another reason I have to love fall since I got married hehe. Fall is just so festive. I love summer and all of the fun that goes with it, but I love being able to curl up at home with a cup of hot tea and a book without feeling guilty too! And of course I am a big lover of holidays so this is the time when that anticipation starts. I am thinking about a Halloween costume for Matthew, new recipes to start trying for Thanksgiving, lots of birthdays come this time of year, and of course I have already started making preparations for the homemade side of Christmas. I am not crazy about the Christmas buzz starting this early when it comes to commercial stuff, but I make a ton of necklaces and jar treats every year and so things like that naturally have to start early. I made a couple necklaces yesterday just to get back into it, but I ended up making them both for me (hehe) so I consider them more of a warmup lol. I just looooove fall! Can’t wait to see what the season brings photographically speaking…haven’t given the old camera much of a workout lately (my hobbies tend to fall away when I get bummed) but I am looking forward to getting back to my daily practice with that. AND I cannot wait to get Howie his new retractable leash so we can get back to hiking in this gorgeous weather. The naughty puppy chewed through the last one so he has been grounded for a couple weeks until we could afford a new one. He is just too strong for me to take him hiking on his normal leash. I would have to walk like 20MPH! LOL. In closing I shall share my first grade poem that was published in the Young Authors of America anthology hehehe…

FALL

When it is Fall
I hear nothing at all
But leaves falling
And bugs crawling
Fall, Fall, Fall

…oh yes, the judges could sure recognize talent when they chose my poem…it is just so deep and complex in nature! hehe…I think they just liked my bug drawings on the copy my teacher submitted LOL.

p.s. I <3 Fall